What should I do now?

I don’t even know where to begin, it’s been so long since I even used this space but I just needed somewhere to write my feelings and thoughts down .

I guess I’ll start with where I am now and to be honest that’s not a good place, “why??”  You might ask, well I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my husband told me he wants a divorce 2 weeks ago, we have only been married 5 months.

There were no warning signs or anything to this before he said it and as far as I knew he still loved me. In fact he had said as much 3 days before and I’m having a had time understanding what went wrong in 3 days. You can’t just stop loving someone in 3 days….

Ive gone over it again and again in my head spoken to friends, my family, his family, his friends and no one can make any sense of what he’s doing. It makes very little sense to anyone, he’s even said that he doesn’t think our baby is his and doesn’t want to be there for him, knowing that I have always been faithful to him in our relationship. There’s no rhyme nor reason to any of it and my husband will not talk to me, neither in person or answer my calls (really mature for a man about to be a father😶)

Someone mentioned to me that it could just be cold feet about being a father and that once he sees our baby he will change his mind but Even if that were the case I think I wouldn’t take him back because neither me nor our child deserves this sort of pain that he has caused.

I’ve  days where I’ll cry because on some level I’m scared my baby will look like him and that every day will be a painful reminder of how much he’s hurt us. How do you get over feeling this way?

how do you move on when you can’t get proper closure?

how do you go on knowing that one day your beautiful baby will ask you why you and daddy don’t live together and why they don’t see him and not being able to answer the question?

these thoughts go round and round in my head all day. Should I even give my baby the name his father chose or did he loose the right to name our baby when he left?

I’m trying to stay strong for my little one but I just feel so hurt and betrayed by the man I loved the most, to the point that I even wonder if he ever loved me and why did he even marry me? He hasn’t even given our marriage a fair trial it’s almost like it got a little difficult and he just couldn’t be bothered to try.

 

sorry for being such a downer on my first post back but like I said I needed somewhere to get the feelings out

thank you for taking the time to read and if you have any genuine advice I’d love to know 💖

 

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And so a year later…..

So it’s been a while since I’ve been on here, well let me start by saying at the moment, life couldn’t be any better, I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we have had a few disagreements, but in a relationship who doesn’t? ,I’ve gotten a job, it’s not the best job in the world and its not exactly what I wanna do my whole life, but it’s a job.

The only down side at the moment is that I’ve not been able to see my sister for a while, in fact I haven’t seen many of my friends in a while, but I digress, that’s for another reason. The reason why I haven’t been able to see my sister is because she’s taken on a role as a camp counsellor in America, so far she seems to be loving it but I do miss her so ill be sure to see her when she comes back.

I’m looking forward to it

Xoxo

Cheating Ex’s, A Flood Of Tears And A Whole Lot Of Brain Block

So basically last month, was a horrible month for me, my boyfriend broke up with me, and i found out that my ex from before him cheated on me with a girl that i knew, and it’s taken him this long to tell me because of two reasons, first he wanted to save himself some blood loss,because lets face it, if he’d told me when he’d done it i would have gone ballistic and more than likely punched him, and second ”he wanted to make sure i didn’t hate men”’.

However i am still friends with both of the ex’s, you may think im totally mental for being like this, but honestly, as friends they’re alright guys, its just in the boyfriend material section that they seriously fail. and also even if i tried not being friends with them, they’d both hound me to talk to them, ‘ because they don’t wanna loose me all together’ so its just easier this way, haha.

BUT its not all bad :D, they say unexpected nice things happen when you don’t want them to happen, well i admit this is very true right now ^_^

Every weekend for 3 weeks now, this lovely guy, (who im very certain likes me, I like him too, soo we’ll see where that goes) has taken me out and he’s been there for me, he listens to my ranting about my ex and doesn’t judge a tiny bit, in fact he was there for me the whole way through my break up, and it just means a hell of alot 😀

In other news though, things are rather dull, I’ve hit another mind block concerning my book and am feeling that maybe, I should take it into a new direction since i keep hitting my mental wall, its seriously frustration keep stopping and starting, but sometime you just need the time to refresh yourself with your material.

So that’s what im going to try and do

Hopefully ill be back to writing soon

xoxo

Getting Down to the Dirty Stuff

I am feeling pretty good, I’ve finally gotten over my mental block and have started writing my sex scene within my book, im telling you one thing, sex scenes are no-where near as easy as you think they are, you need to make what your writing sound appealing but not have it be over too soon, and not be too detailed but not too simple at the same time,you need to have it soo that both characters involved, (even if their a virgin and don’t know what they are doing) are written as though they are enjoying it, making it more enjoyable for the reader…… im telling you, they are not as simple as i thought it would be.

I have new found appreciation for all those books that i’ve read that actually have a half decent sex scene ^_^

So with this in mind, i must apologise to my long suffering boyfriend who has to put up with me having sex on the brain, you’d think he’d welcome it, but no, ladies i have found one of the only guys in the actual world who finds sex boring. LOL makes things easier for me hahaha.

Anyway on another note, im feeling really positive about a new series of books that i have started reading. It’s the vampire for hire series by J.R.Rain, I’ve found myself easily addicted to this series, im enjoying the series so much I’ve already started on book 3 when i started the series 2 weeks ago, i love how the story is unfolding and im at a nail biting point within the book, im not going to give anything away though, read it for yourself.

xoxo

 

new found motivation?

so i think, im finally ready to get back into writing, i found that i had become very demotivated with writing and when i re-read what i had written i felt it was lacking something, so as of tomorrow, im am going to tweak what i already have and hope it helps, if not i may just scrap what’s written and start again, not the plot or the characters though, because they have been outlined in my mind since day one of writing, and to change that now would be like killing off my creations that I’ve poured quite alot of effort into, and quite frankly that would b a little irresponsible too, because then i’d have to come up with a whole new thing, when i already know what i wanna write…..

 

anyway, i feel motivated now, so the question really is, do i do it third person or do i do it first person and like diary entries? 

i like both, so i think I’ll see how the tweaking goes, because if that works, it’ll be like diary entries, if not, third person 

xoxo

The End of Another Storm?

Lately i’ve felt like im about to have another mental breakdown, which to be honest is not exactly the nicest of all feelings, sitting on edge all the time just waiting to fall.

The thing is, right now, i dont feel like that at all, the feeling that i’ve had for weeks has almost vanished over night and i feel really good! I think that’s because i’ve finally come to my senses and seen how much of a dick this guy is.

where do i even start! well to put things simply, because i said i didn’t want to go out with him and i wanted to be just friends, he made my life everyday, living hell for near on a month.

He said he loved me, but then he didn’t seem to give a flying fuck if i got hurt by him, he only really seemed to care about how he felt. He actually one day turned around to me and said, when i said to him that he was basically dragging me through hell everyday, “and ill keep dragging you through hell, because im never gonna give up”. Now i dont know if its just me, or does this seem really selfish? Not only are you aware of how much your hurting me all the time, but you plan to do it on purpose, for the rest of our lives, all because i said i dont wanna go out with you?? WTF??

You see normally i’d have more sense than to put up with this much shit, for this long a time, but  he also told me that he was suicidal because of me and if i walk out of his life he would kill himself, i even saw cuts up his arm where he had self harmed “because of me” and me being the way i am, this worried me more than anything! No one should ever kill themselves, the world is not a better place without you and all it brings is pain to your loved ones, i know it seems bad right now, but if you keep trying things will get better, and i can say that, having been suicidal, i sort of see all those feelings i had at that time like a type of fertiliser, all really shit but they helped me grow into a new person who i love being.

So anyway i stuck around basically to keep watch over him, but this past week, he’s delivered blow after blow after blow and just i can’t cope with that much pain in so little time, i think my tear ducts need a rest. So after what seems like weeks of being stuck out to sea in a storm, it now feels like im sailing in calmer water and the suns come back out.

Soo here i am, attempting to pick my life back up off the floor, once again, and get back on track.I can even say that this hell wont be useless or pointless in anyway, because as much as i’d rather just forget the whole thing, i can use it as a reference within my art and when writing my stories, i mean who doesn’t love heart wrenching scenes based on real life experiences?

so thats what im gonna do, instead of letting this scab over and heal, im gonna pick at the wound everyday until it hurts too much to do so any more, no matter how stupid that seems and i just hope i can find someone who wont hurt me and is worth every ounce of my affection……..

xoxo

This isn’t love, this is war II

once again in love im left questioning “why me?”

i really feel karma is trying to get back at me for something i haven’t even done!

i mean sure, when i broke up with my ex on the 26th of December, i did smile but that was because it was the first time he’d shown me any emotion or any insight as to how he felt, and i felt bad about doing it then and i still do……but thats the worst as far as i know that i’ve ever done to someone so why does cupid feel like he can be a complete and utter twat to me?

recently i met this guy, everything was good, i liked him, he liked me, what seemed like the perfect start to any relation ship, friendship or other, but then, all because i wanted things to go slowly, everything turned to utter HELL!

Now at the moment im still involved with him, but im really debating leaving his life forever because i cant cope with the drama, the tears and the constant feeling like im a complete and utter knob.

i really dont even know why im holding on anymore, ive had advice from so many people and they all say to get out and make sure im happy, but thats the problem, when he’s not trying to rush me into a relationship with him he actually makes me laugh and smile :D.

Anyway the reason i’ve titled this ‘this isn’t love, this is war II’ is because its exactly what it says on the tin, he says he loves me but 90% of the time it feels like were at war, we always argue and ive been told by him things like ” you’ve basically just ripped my heart out and thrown it in the bin” and that he’s suicidal because i wont accept his feelings and that he just needs me to trust him.

well im sorry, but how am i meant to trust anyone who’s made me cry almost every day for two weeks?

its all total bull?

if you love me, why are you pulling me trough hell every day?

Why? …….

i wanna cry just thinking about all this shit…..

i guess that puts thing into perspective huh?

xoxo

Getting killed by the pressure of a deadline

As much as i would have loved to be able to focus on my writing this month i’ve not been able to get a single word written because almost every hour im awake these days is being spent trying to makes sure i can do all my art work in my final project in time for the deadline……now normally i *being dead honest here* am a major slacker, i know i am, most of the time ill wait until about 2 weeks before the deadline to get everything finished….but also at those times ive at least gotten something done…this time around though, i have been majorly demotivated and have probably gotten about 3 pages done in a month…..before now…….that’d be fine…..if i didn’t have to fill a minimum of two sketch books in  5 weeks -_- and soo its all nose to the grind stone and I’ve been working like a mad person and putting in as many hours as i can, where ever i can……..it doesn’t feel like its anywhere near enough!!!  both in time and the amount of work ive done  -_-

on the plus side though, despite the greatest want to just rush through it all, i’ve kept myself at a stedy pace and so my quality of work hasn’t slipped any which im actually really proud of 😀 😀

xoxo

Demotivated and Disadvantaged

Right now im part way through so so so so so many things it is just unreal! however right now im going through one of those ‘ I know im demotivated but I really need to get this finished’ phases, but this is really getting me no-where since every time I think “right, ill do that today” I get an istant brain block! Currently i have two things that are at the top of my priory list 1 is my art course work and 2 is my novel, both include extensive amounts of thinking, inspiration and motivation and with most lacking it seems like im going to end up falling into a spiral of ciaos and stress the longer I leave both unfinished.  -_-

In addition to  this ive also been having a few problems trying to feel happy with things that i have managed to achieved,at the back of my mind i have a feeling that the lack of motivation is contributing largely to the ‘shitty’ feeling.

On a more positive note 😀 i have recently recovered from a weeks worth of illness…..and while i was ill i was able to catch up on some reading :D. I randomly gather a selection of books every month or so, for both research proposes ( so i don’t write anything plagiaristic) and also for enjoyment and inspiration. Lately ive been really into the whole ‘vampire romance novel’ thing so imagine the look on my face when i came across the book ‘ The Dhampire by Lana Lundy’ it was sooo good!! its easy to read so even people with a low source of vocabulary can read it and it leaves you sitting on the edge of your seat in the fact that it ends part way through the story. i really want the squeal ‘Rebel’ to be released quite soon because im the type of person who doesn’t really like to wait when i enjoy something. Speaking of squeals i was really excited to learn that the new book in the ‘Parched’ set, ‘Ignite’ will be released late this month/early April, it seems like ive waited soo long for it to be released that im actually a little over exited that my wait is going to be over. both of these take a completely new out look on the whole ‘ vampire’ story which is really refreshing unlike some of the books I’ve read which stick to the one minded, narrow path of ‘ a vampire is defiantly this way’ all taking inspiration from the classic Dracula.

Fingers crossed i have the money to buy them when their released!! Haha

xoxo

This is not love, This is WAR!

i really hate how when you break up with someone they kinda end up putting themselves in the ‘dick-head’ category because they over step the line because they still love you , FYI how can you say you love me when your asking my sister out for dinner or sending me threatening messages to force me back into a relationship with you?

THAT IS NOT LOVE!!!

would you not rather i remembered you as how you were when we were together than think of you the way your being right now?

An example of this that i can think of is my friend, their Ex girlfriend has made their new relationship a war zone because they the can’t gt over the fact that it’s over

i hate to say it but seriously GET OVER IT!!

i know its easier said then done when you love someone but to fuck up your ex’s  new relationship, that is low, if you still love them , i would have thought that seeing them happy with or without you would be what you want

^ rant over 😀

onto a new one 😀 😀

FOREVER ALONE!! ( well now anyway :'()

my valentine this year is my friend 😀 :D……dont get the wrong idea ok, it’s just two lonely mates whatching some gore films….with ice cream NOM 😀 😀 because thats obviously the true meaning of valentine’s day 😛

and the reason  you ask for this genius plan??

the parents are mealing it up at home…….romance and that…..which just yells AWKWARD at me

xoxo